We’ve all thought about it… so I wrote about 10 minutes of cringe about it.
We know what Pokémon eat – little rice balls, berries, tasty potions – but what do their trainers eat? Consuming Pokémon isn’t completely unheard of (slowpoke tail, magikarp) and using Pokémon byproducts (Moomoo Milk) is fairly common. However it seems that the Pokémon that don’t have shit for brains are generally safe from having their body consumed by hungry (or horny) Pokémon trainers. While it may seem evil, or at best a fetish thing, with the worsening climate and political conditions of the world today a Pokémon trainer may eventually be forced to turn to eating their own prized Pokemon. In the event of such a catastrophe, these are the top 10 Pokémon to eat, paired with a suggestion on how to serve it.
The taste and texture of Caterpie is kind of like a cross between a cricket and okra – a little bit crunchy and a little bit slimy with almost no distinguishable flavor. This and it’s wide availability makes Caterpie a versatile choice for Pokémon trainers to capture and eat.
Caterpie is quite crunchy when fried and tastes somewhat like an onion ring when beer battered. Sauté the Caterpie to maintain the gooey center while crisping the outside. Add Caterpie to a stew or gumbo to thicken it, or even boil it down with sugar and citrus peel to make a flavorful gelatin. This versatile little critter goes with just about anything if you cook it right!
Serving suggestion: Caterpie Corn Fritters with roasted red pepper crema
Ekans tastes JUST like chicken. It may be a little tough due to its low fat content and well developed muscles, but with proper treatment Ekans can be a delicacy.
Wrangling an Ekans is simple enough, but now what? It’s not strong enough to battle yet, so just brine Ekans in buttermilk overnight and dredge it in flour and Gastly Powder (see number 6) before deep frying to make some tasty Ekans Strips. Dip them in honey mustard, ketchup, or even the super spicy “toxic sauce” made from the excretions of Garbodor Pokémon.
If you’re not feeling like fried food, try braising chunks of Ekans in chicken stock with aromatics until tender, about 9 hours, and serve it on tacos. Cooking Ekans in a pressure cooker will cut your prep time by 75% if you have one available.
Serving Suggestion: Chipotle Braised Ekans tacos with jicama and cabbage slaw
It’s pretty obvious that Stantler are just magical deer. As such they have the well developed muscular structure of regular deer, but carry a slight gaminess because they are Pokémon.
Serving Stantler is exactly like serving traditional venison. Make it into jerky by curing it and putting it in a dehydrator. Give it a fine dice and mix with egg yolk, brunoise pickles, mustard and salt for a quick Stantler tartare. Take a center cut from the Stantler and sear it off like a beef Steak. The possibilities are endless!
While Stantler is as delicious as regular deer, it is all the more hard to catch and can easily kill you with its psychic powers, so bring a really big gun.
Serving suggestion: Stantler burgers with lemon aioli, horseradish and burnt onions
You’ve probably had Chilean sea bass, but how about Hoenn Feebass? This rare fish Pokémon is considered a delicacy in the region but must be caught by a certified Pokémon trainer, a law enacted in 2006 after overfishing decimated the Feebas population outside of Slateport city.
This makes Feebas exceedingly hard to acquire unless you are willing to pay a premium to have it imported from Hoenn. However, if you do get the chance to cook a Feebas, it can be pan seared, grilled over coals, steamed inside banana leaves or eaten raw in a traditional Cerulean Ceviche. Train your Feebas and evolve it into Milotic or just eat it, the choice is yours!
Serving Suggestion: Miso glazed Hoenn Feebas with grilled asparagus and Thai hom mali rice
The 6th entry on this list is less a food Pokémon than it is a seasoning pokemon but it is included here nonetheless because it’s preparation always results in death.
Gastly Powder is a seasoning mixture made of the entire Gastly Pokémon and MSG. The Gastly is put into a 700 ceramic kiln and heated until only the residue of the evaporated Pokémon remains. The residue is scraped into a bowl and ground until powdery.
Gastly Powder, which locals describe as “The Goya Sazòn of Kanto”, is said to taste “kinda Mexican” by most non-animated humans. It is nearly impossible to acquire Gastly Powder without access to a 700 degree ceramic kiln and a Game Boy, but some trainers say that an affordable and more potent substitute can be made by boiling a mixture of blue version cartridges and baking soda.
Serving Suggestion: small glass pipe, lighter
Number 5 on the list is another controversial pick, Ponyta. While cooking and eating this fiery pony Pokémon may not be against the law in most regions, such practice is still considered social taboo and is not common.
Cooking a Ponyta is as simple as cooking a horse. You can prepare it in any way you would normally prepare high quality beef or red game meat, but a Johto regional favorite is Ponyta carpaccio. The locals claim that the closer your bond is with a Ponyta, the better it will taste when you eat it.
Serving Suggestion: Route 28 Ponyta carpaccio with fried garlic and duck yolk
Vanilluxe is the only later generation Pokémon on the list for a reason. Most Pokémon discovered after generation 4 are filled with artificial preservatives and other questionable genetic sludge, but Vanilluxe is just a few scoops of ice cream, so that doesn’t really matter.
Publicly endorsed by well-known Twitch streamer Stefan Heck, eating one of these frosty cones is a favorite summer activity for everyone young and old. Vanilluxe is certainly one of the most unhealthy Pokémon out there, but it sure does go great with apple pie.
Serving Suggestion: Vanilluxe affogato with Guatemalan espresso
Despite its humanoid appearance, it is actually good to kill and eat this Pokémon because it is racist. Additionally, the soft flesh of Jinx has a melon-like consistency raw and when salt cured with Mediterranean herbs makes a delicious snack, not unlike prosciutto or Iberian ham.
Jinx is a favorite among Italians in particular because of its many uses from curing to grilling but also because both Jinx and Italians like to do black face. It is delicious in a ragú and nothing short of necessary on top of a pizza, just remove the outer layer of skin before processing.
Serving Suggestion: Porcehtta of Jinx with walnut and apple stuffing
Swinub is like a little suckling pig with Chewbacca hair all over it. These furry Pokémon are found commonly in colder regions and while usually kept as pets, are sometimes eaten as well. Preventing your Swinub from evolving into a Piloswine reduces the gamey taste of the meat and less muscle development means that there is a higher overall fat content.
An easy recipe for hungry wintertime travelers is to remove the belly of the Swinub, cut it into chunks and cook it down with beans and brown sugar over an open fire. Swinub is also a favorite for trainers on the move as you can kill it in a trap overnight, and come morning the Pokémon will be completely frozen and ready for transport and future use.
This cute little critter is an excellent (and healthier) substitute for pork, and its high defense stats mean more protein packed in each bite.
Serving Suggestion: ‘Nub Chops with Kubota squash puree and crispy farro
It may come as a surprise that most grass Pokémon taste like shit, but not Chickorita! This starter Pokémon has a tender and flavorful leaf atop its head that will grow back after it is harvested. Getting your hands on one may be difficult, but once the Chickorita is yours, your soups, salads and supper will take a major step up. Sure, it causes the Pokémon a great deal of pain, but it’s worth it.
Chickorita leaf has a mild herby taste not common in the real world, but often compared to as a cross between sage and spinach. It is supple enough to be eaten raw and durable enough to be cooked. You can put it in a panzanella, stew it like saag paneer, boil it in the bouillabaisse, or use it as a pizza topping. Some drug users even claim that the giant leaf is a healthy alternative to traditional tobacco blunt wraps. Just don’t let your Chickorita evolve, as the leaf will become too acrid for human consumption and may be poisonous to dogs.
Serving Suggestion: Dolmas with smoked yogurt and pine nuts
Without questions, the top Pokémon to eat is Meowth. It may seem like eating your pet cat, and it kind of is, but boy is it delicious! Those that have worked up the courage to try it say that it tastes like dog, others say there is nothing like it.
However, avid Pokémon eaters insist that you need to get your hands on a Meowth that talks. These trainers swear that the best part about cooking and eating one of these well-spoken felines is hearing the Meowth beg for mercy in a language that you can understand. One well known trainer, Red of New Bark Town, Silver, has been quoted saying the experience is akin to “grilling Gilbert Gottfried over an open flame and eating him with crusty French bread.”
If you can stomach it, or really have nothing good to eat in your fridge, Meowth is a must-try. And if you’re low on cash, techniques designated as torture by the CIA, MI6 and Team Rocket can be applied to extract a significant amount of Gold from this Pokemon before it is cooked. This practice will also tenderize the meat.
Serving Suggestion: Meowth a l’orange with boiled new potatoes and summer truffles
Hopefully it doesn’t come to this, but trainers should be equipped with the knowledge of how to cook and eat their best friends in the event of a global catastrophe. Perhaps the consumption of Pokemon will become more commonplace before then, but for now, we can dream.